Sunday, May 16, 2010

A Query For My Friends

So I have been thinking the past few days and then came to a decision and then since I second, third, fourth-guess every decision I EVER attempt to make on my own I have yet to follow through. I am thinking I should combine the owl with the mishap. I was planning to just move the shit from here over to there since that one is already hooked up with Amazon (and maybe has a slightly cooler name- actually, had I known there was a whole blogworld out there I would have spent more time on that aspect. But then I may still be trying to come up with the perfect title and never even written anything), but what do you guys (my 4 faithful followers) think? I really will listen to your opinion because, like I said, decision making is my weakest attribute. Seriously, want to kill me? ask me to make a difficult decision, then knock me out while I contemplate every aspect of each choice. But I hope I haven't made anyone want to kill me yet. I have more to offer humanity. If nothing else, I will give you more perfect children :)


Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Best and Worst Idea Ever

Emergency Vehicle Marquee. Never wonder "What happened?" again. Seriously, you know you want this. A large, live-streaming marquee on every police car, ambulance, fire truck...

I had this idea awhile back and, although grand, it managed to slip my mind. After the second police visit to a neighbors' house in one month (different houses) my idea returned. Close your eyes and imagine this...... shit. Don't close your eyes or you can't read it. Imagine your eyes are closed. Or read and then close your eyes and repeat it silently in your head.

Driving down the highway. Three car pileup with traffic backed up half a mile. Then you notice in bright red lights (no, red is overused), in bright purple(???) lights a marquee on top of the ambulance headed away from the scene. "Dumbass sneezed and swerved into oncoming traffic. All motorists expected to live."


Peering out the window old lady gossip style (I totally do this. A lot.) Two police cars park across the street and officers walk as pair to the front door. Neighbor answers. A discussion complete with arm gestures. And a marquee. "Man suspected of smuggling immigrants across the border." We're in Corpus.

Maybe if the poor soul in the ambulance doesn't have a chance they can just put a sad face. No specifics.
I think this could decrease rubbernecking around the globe. It would also help my husband. I am that girl (also known as that 5 year old) who asks "Chris, what happened?" "Chris, why are the police there?" "Chris, why did that old man get tasered?". I know full well that he has no more information than me. I also frequently complain when small children ask these questions of me.

I'm just saying, I think this could go over well.

Friday, May 7, 2010

A Few Things I've Noticed

It was a lot easier to pose the kid for pictures when he could barely sit and sure as hell wasn't going anywhere. Now that he's all over both, my pictures are of the top of his head, the side of his butt, the back of his hand, or just a general blur as he shoves himself out of view. So much for having perfect monthly pictures in identical outfits and poses. I should've known from the beginning that would be beyond my abilities...

On a completely different note, I watch a LOT of TV. Too much, but usually I am not paying that much attention to the actual screen. I just listen. Well, yesterday I was really watching and noticed that a lot of women have freckles/age spots on their chest and arms. No problem. The more the merrier. The problem lies in the makeup they use to cover up any trace of these skin constellations on the face. IT LOOKS WEIRD. Now I  notice on everyone and it drives me nuts. Yes, this is a minor thing but your face really should match the rest of your body.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Just for You (Assuming 'You' are Alicia)

"I think I am also over/underwatering... so what did you do to correct? My garden is puny. Stunted. And retarded. I think I planted too soon, over/underwatered, and secrete some sort of mysterious plant-killing enzyme from my fingernails. " ~Alicia

I thought this question/comment was entertaining. Not "haha funny" at Alicia's expense, but side of the mouth smirk at her cleverness. AND since she's one of two followers I can do this. Follow me and maybe you can have your own post too.

After I took my laughably little squash (the guy at the nursery really did laugh at it) home with me I followed the nursery dude's advice. Side note. My squash was so small I forgot it in the car. It ended up in the driver's seat where it was sat on repeatedly and then found a few days later unharmed. I stuck my finger straight in the ground near the base of the plant up to my hand. A whole finger length. This was to see if the soil was wet all the way down. Apparently squash are binge drinkers. Think me in college. Sober much of the time, but sloshed at the weekend toga party/luau/football game. See below.

Back to the squash. They like the soil to be completely dry, then water a lot. Water the entire area that the plant covers. But DO NOT WATER THE LEAVES. Then leave it alone until the dirt is dry again. But DO NOT WATER THE LEAVES. I had read in all three of my gardening books and been told by the nursery man to water under the leaves. We followed these instructions all the while wondering if I needed to purchase some yellow rubber rain hats for my demanding foliage. Even though we're in South Texas, it's going to rain at some point. One day it did. Lots. Thousands of big wet rain drop landed and remained on the large leaves of my squash. No big deal. It's a plant. Plants need rain. A few days later the leaves were covered in powdery white fungus. It had been mentioned so casually I didn't think much of it until the leaves turned yellow and started to die. F***! Right when I was getting the whole drunken squash, sober sober sober squash thing down. We clipped the dead leaves and sprayed the rest of the plant with a baking soda solution (3 tablespoons baking soda to 1 gallon water) and that seems to have worked. BS is a natural fungal inhibitor or something so we now keep it on hand for the deluge.

An extra special Alicia note. Alicia is awesome and half the reason I even bother to use the internet to post anything is to see what comment she can come up with. I wish I was kidding but she gave voice to pictures of my sleeping newborn. The girl has a gift for captions.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Pardon You, Jerk at Walgreens

I go to Walgreens tonight with the grand intention of running (walking quickly) inside, dropping off a miniDV of one hour of Knox (the best hour on TV- let me know if you want a copy, I won't think you're creepy), and returning speedily home. Ha. I walk up to the clerk-less photo counter and gaze up at the giant sign telling me I can turn my tape into a DVD. Sweet, conformation that the mission at hand can be performed successfully.

I was standing about 3 feet back from the counter, but was OBVIOUSLY waiting for something when a lady slides in front of me just as Hector appears. Hector the Clerk starts talking to her before I could even complain and now it's rude for me to say something, right? I'm not that person anyway; the one that loudly proclaims their right to be served first. Of course she's not just picking up photos, but wants Hector to fill up ink cartridges that are being pulled out of plastic bag covered in ink as she babbles on about coupons and colors. I could have waited my turn and come home forgetting about unfairness of life had the lady not turned around 5 MINUTES after arrival and say "Oh! Did I jump line?" "YEAH BITCH! YOU DID!" my mind is screaming while my mouth mumbles something lame. It's not like she didn't know she did it and then calculated at what point could she feign ignorance but maintain her place. And who says 'jump line'? Maybe you do, but I don't and it's my story. I hope the freshly topped off ink cartridges bust on her carpet. Someday I am going to call people on their shit. I guess today was not that day.

This brings me to my next point. I can't wait until Knox can talk and then I can make him say (loudly) "Momma, that lady cut in line." Ahhhh the usefulness of children.

There was a large dead tree at the corner of the street where you turn to get to my house. The large tree was perfectly placed to block your view when you wanted to pull out of my street, but made getting home easier because I would just turn at the tree. It even had a reflector nailed in a couple feet off the ground to guide me home after dark. There was a garbage bag that had been fluttering in it's dead branches since we moved in ten months ago. I used to think it was a shirt. I came home today and the tree WAS GONE. I almost missed my street. Later I almost missed my street again. In the future, people, turn at the stump.

Friday, April 30, 2010

You Learned This in 3rd Grade

It's the English language. Learn how to use it. Oh wait, you DID learn how to use it. Even spent 12 plus years being taught one lesson at a time. Must have forgotten somewhere along the way. If you weren't born in the U.S. don't worry I'm not talking to you (although if you plan to stay here at least make an effort to learn the language). Hehe I just realized the people my disclaimer was written for probably can't read it anyway. Back to the point. This morning in The Wall Street Journal I was told that people want "the ability to let lose and cry". The journalist who wrote this didn't realize their mistake? Or the editor whose job is to find and correct? Maybe it's a secret contest and if I call in with the correction I win a free dictionary. I could have let this tiny (in the grand scheme of things) mistake slide had I not read the status update of a "friend" the other day stating she was "going loose it. Really going to loose it this time."

Feeling grammatically deficient? If you don't understand my complaint, you should.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Two Shirts

Two point five days out of town and I packed myself a pair of jeans and two shirts. One of those shirts is reserved for the drive home and plans I have upon my return. The other shirt got peed on. Awesome. I didn't mention the most comfortable dress in the world that I wore for the drive up here. That dress has been worn 5 times and never washed. Once I put it in the dryer with a Downy sheet so it would smell clean, does that count? I know. I am gross. I did, however, overdo it on the underwear. Maybe I can fashion the eight extra panties I have into a shirt.

And I forgot makeup.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Mistress Mary

Mistress Mary....

Apparently that's the original Mary, Mary quite..... And since I am out of garden sayings after using just one I resorted to that. Aaaaanyway. We ate our first homegrown squash the other night. Yum. There are several others still going strong and there are new squash buds everyday. In the beginning I was managing to under water and over water at the same time. Weird and difficult for a normal person but somehow with my excellent screw things up skills, I managed. I gave each plant a couple cups of water right at the stem (not enough) everyday (too frequently) and they were making these tiny little mini squash (not the plan). Other than that our murdered banana pepper is regrowing and our tomatoes are getting huge. Okay and I wasn't lying about the attempt on the life of one of our banana peppers. We found the pour thing hacked off just below all the branches recently.

Top going down: squash, bell pepper, banana pepper, and watermelon
Not pictured: jalepeno and various herbs
Summer squash. Supposedly the flowers are edible and tasty sauteed. Let me know if anyone
wants to taste test for us :)
Cherry Red and Roma tomotoes

Friday, April 9, 2010

If Only...

If only my brain had a direct sync to this damn thing I would have much more frequent posts. I swear about 8 times a day I have a live feed running through my head of exactly what I have to say. However, I am either too lazy or too defeated by the fact that what I type will not only not match what I initially thought, but it won't be as good either to ever get it down in print. The good news is that nothing bad or unlucky enough to document has happened lately so that put me behind, but to be honest other cool/interesting things happen that I could talk about.

Something kinda weird. After Angel's needle incident, she got a cold which she passed to Homer (whose eye got so virally- made up word- infected I kept expecting to find it popped out of his head on the floor some morning). Homer gave it to Tomasina and then the damn cold, after weeks, battled down the immunity soldiers of Emma. I mean they must have not only knocked her little immune soldiers off their horses, but stolen their weapons, marched them into their kingdom, and ritualistically beheaded each and every one cuz this poor girl canNOT shake it. I have owned around 20 cats for some portion of their life and NEVER have I seen a cold passed around like I'm hosting a feline preschool or seen a cat ill for so long. This poor Emma sneezes like a congested old man (or my dad, or me who seems to have inherited my dad's crazy sneezes). Every night trying to falls asleep she is hackin' away in the living room literally sneezing in her sleep.

So I know I am not good at keeping this thing updated but just to add to my busy life of nothingness I have been planning for some time now to start a book review blog. Basically i haven't done it because I can't think of a suitable name. For those of you who don't know or haven't caught on I have turned the owl (more the retro design style than the actual feather dude perched hootin' in a barn) into Knox's personal mascot so I want a title featuring our wise feathered friend. Initially I had the term 'leatherbound' in my head thinking it would be great and not too straightforward (i.e. the leatherbound book nook). Then suddenly one day and out of the blue I pictured the poor owl bound and gagged for a freakish sexual encounter and there went that idea. Now I can't even hear the word 'leather' without picturing that unfortunate little thing. The other day I came up with the simple yet usable "The Paper Owl". Chris attempted to one up me with "The Origami Owl". I concede that his stellar use of alliteration is catchier, but does it convey the proper image? If anyone reads this thing and cares to share their input I AM LIStENING. :) Vote or share your ideas in my handy dandy comments section. I look forward to reviewing stories, characters, and book on CD narrators for your listening/reading pleasure. It's really one of my favorite things anyway.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

More Than Butterflies

I am breaking my "only write these articles after midnight when your words flow better" rule because I am half delirious from all the Tabasco sauce I just ate so I am thinking it's about the same thing. I am supposed to be updating on Angel's "condition" but first I must digress to say a few things.
Number one, have you ever noticed that if you drink only half a beer and then eat some really hot food it feels more like you drank 3 beers. Seriously. Try it sometime when you are bored (or low on alcohol).
Crap I forgot what number two and three were. Maybe next time.

So Angel's needle successfully reached it's first destination where it will lay over for an indeterminate amount of time. The X-ray was fairly interesting. Exceedingly interesting really had it not been my cat, but what can you do. Sometimes life gets you down and sometimes life gives you lemonades and sometimes life sticks a needle in your stomach.

OOOOOOOOh wait! Don't go. I just remembered number two. We had the Tabasco on the jambalaya we ate for Fat Tuesday (Booze Day according to my lovely friend Courtney- although I am still kinda thinking she saw booze on TV while simultaneously mis-hearing Hoda and Kathie Lee on the Today show this morning. They really were drinking booze which these talk show women seem to do quite a lot considering they are taping at oh 8 AM. Either way we will celebrate more thoroughly next year when we are prepared.) So I remembered all on my own (Em reminded me) no meat tomorrow. I proudly exclaimed to Chris "Don't forget Chris, tomorrow is No-Meat Wednesday!" Score one more for the other team apparently Wednesday already has an official title.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Sewwww: A Needle Pulling Thread

The final straw (needle) that made me write this stuff down (something family and friends have been telling me to do for years) was our lovely little white, fluffy, beautiful, *insert sarcasm* GENIUS of a cat Angel eating a needle. Seriously, of all the snacks and toys we provide little miss decided to play with a needle tonight. And then she ate it. Or she tried to eat it but it stuck in the roof of her mouth with the eye of the needle down her throat. Our attempts to dislodge and remove the needle were in vain and it slipped quickly and quietly down the esophagus and hopefully into her stomach. If all goes well, said needle will continue its journey exiting the stomach, gliding through the small intestine, and eventually re-lodge itself in cat poo somewhere inside the large intestine to be dropped unceremoniously into the litter box where it will be recovered and live to sew another day.

In the meantime, we will be watching Angel and her poo, probably taking her in for x-rays, and scouring the house for small objects. I thought we would have to worry about Knox eating random dangerous objects, but Angel must have lost the part of her animal instinct that warns of danger, possibly around the time she began wearing turtle neck sweaters. The most ironic thing of this whole incident is that the cat won't even eat food unless she sees you put it in the dish while she watches, because if the bowl is already full SHE DOESN'T KNOW THERE IS FOOD IN IT. Basically, had the needle been a kibble it would still be innocently resting on the tray with the button waiting for the button-less pants to get through the laundry.

How to Begin

The title poses its own question of how to begin a blog, journal, book when the opening entry sets the tone for the entire project? This is especially difficult when projects of this nature are meant to take on their own life. It's impossible to know where a story is going and where it will end from the onset. I don't entirely know the intentions of this or what to do with it, but I was inspired to start a record of the bad luck that tends to weave itself in and out of my life in the most bizarre fashion by yet another event. There are countless amounts of good things that have happened to me, this is not intended to be a personal pity party, and I will attempt to recognize some of those as well. But back to the misfortune, because most of those who have known me for any length of time have their personal favorite injury/random situation story plucked from the daily happenings of my life. Not wanting to encroach upon Knox's happy space I begin my own chronicle, so here goes...