Sunday, May 16, 2010

A Query For My Friends

So I have been thinking the past few days and then came to a decision and then since I second, third, fourth-guess every decision I EVER attempt to make on my own I have yet to follow through. I am thinking I should combine the owl with the mishap. I was planning to just move the shit from here over to there since that one is already hooked up with Amazon (and maybe has a slightly cooler name- actually, had I known there was a whole blogworld out there I would have spent more time on that aspect. But then I may still be trying to come up with the perfect title and never even written anything), but what do you guys (my 4 faithful followers) think? I really will listen to your opinion because, like I said, decision making is my weakest attribute. Seriously, want to kill me? ask me to make a difficult decision, then knock me out while I contemplate every aspect of each choice. But I hope I haven't made anyone want to kill me yet. I have more to offer humanity. If nothing else, I will give you more perfect children :)


Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Best and Worst Idea Ever

Emergency Vehicle Marquee. Never wonder "What happened?" again. Seriously, you know you want this. A large, live-streaming marquee on every police car, ambulance, fire truck...

I had this idea awhile back and, although grand, it managed to slip my mind. After the second police visit to a neighbors' house in one month (different houses) my idea returned. Close your eyes and imagine this...... shit. Don't close your eyes or you can't read it. Imagine your eyes are closed. Or read and then close your eyes and repeat it silently in your head.

Driving down the highway. Three car pileup with traffic backed up half a mile. Then you notice in bright red lights (no, red is overused), in bright purple(???) lights a marquee on top of the ambulance headed away from the scene. "Dumbass sneezed and swerved into oncoming traffic. All motorists expected to live."


Peering out the window old lady gossip style (I totally do this. A lot.) Two police cars park across the street and officers walk as pair to the front door. Neighbor answers. A discussion complete with arm gestures. And a marquee. "Man suspected of smuggling immigrants across the border." We're in Corpus.

Maybe if the poor soul in the ambulance doesn't have a chance they can just put a sad face. No specifics.
I think this could decrease rubbernecking around the globe. It would also help my husband. I am that girl (also known as that 5 year old) who asks "Chris, what happened?" "Chris, why are the police there?" "Chris, why did that old man get tasered?". I know full well that he has no more information than me. I also frequently complain when small children ask these questions of me.

I'm just saying, I think this could go over well.

Friday, May 7, 2010

A Few Things I've Noticed

It was a lot easier to pose the kid for pictures when he could barely sit and sure as hell wasn't going anywhere. Now that he's all over both, my pictures are of the top of his head, the side of his butt, the back of his hand, or just a general blur as he shoves himself out of view. So much for having perfect monthly pictures in identical outfits and poses. I should've known from the beginning that would be beyond my abilities...

On a completely different note, I watch a LOT of TV. Too much, but usually I am not paying that much attention to the actual screen. I just listen. Well, yesterday I was really watching and noticed that a lot of women have freckles/age spots on their chest and arms. No problem. The more the merrier. The problem lies in the makeup they use to cover up any trace of these skin constellations on the face. IT LOOKS WEIRD. Now I  notice on everyone and it drives me nuts. Yes, this is a minor thing but your face really should match the rest of your body.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Just for You (Assuming 'You' are Alicia)

"I think I am also over/underwatering... so what did you do to correct? My garden is puny. Stunted. And retarded. I think I planted too soon, over/underwatered, and secrete some sort of mysterious plant-killing enzyme from my fingernails. " ~Alicia

I thought this question/comment was entertaining. Not "haha funny" at Alicia's expense, but side of the mouth smirk at her cleverness. AND since she's one of two followers I can do this. Follow me and maybe you can have your own post too.

After I took my laughably little squash (the guy at the nursery really did laugh at it) home with me I followed the nursery dude's advice. Side note. My squash was so small I forgot it in the car. It ended up in the driver's seat where it was sat on repeatedly and then found a few days later unharmed. I stuck my finger straight in the ground near the base of the plant up to my hand. A whole finger length. This was to see if the soil was wet all the way down. Apparently squash are binge drinkers. Think me in college. Sober much of the time, but sloshed at the weekend toga party/luau/football game. See below.

Back to the squash. They like the soil to be completely dry, then water a lot. Water the entire area that the plant covers. But DO NOT WATER THE LEAVES. Then leave it alone until the dirt is dry again. But DO NOT WATER THE LEAVES. I had read in all three of my gardening books and been told by the nursery man to water under the leaves. We followed these instructions all the while wondering if I needed to purchase some yellow rubber rain hats for my demanding foliage. Even though we're in South Texas, it's going to rain at some point. One day it did. Lots. Thousands of big wet rain drop landed and remained on the large leaves of my squash. No big deal. It's a plant. Plants need rain. A few days later the leaves were covered in powdery white fungus. It had been mentioned so casually I didn't think much of it until the leaves turned yellow and started to die. F***! Right when I was getting the whole drunken squash, sober sober sober squash thing down. We clipped the dead leaves and sprayed the rest of the plant with a baking soda solution (3 tablespoons baking soda to 1 gallon water) and that seems to have worked. BS is a natural fungal inhibitor or something so we now keep it on hand for the deluge.

An extra special Alicia note. Alicia is awesome and half the reason I even bother to use the internet to post anything is to see what comment she can come up with. I wish I was kidding but she gave voice to pictures of my sleeping newborn. The girl has a gift for captions.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Pardon You, Jerk at Walgreens

I go to Walgreens tonight with the grand intention of running (walking quickly) inside, dropping off a miniDV of one hour of Knox (the best hour on TV- let me know if you want a copy, I won't think you're creepy), and returning speedily home. Ha. I walk up to the clerk-less photo counter and gaze up at the giant sign telling me I can turn my tape into a DVD. Sweet, conformation that the mission at hand can be performed successfully.

I was standing about 3 feet back from the counter, but was OBVIOUSLY waiting for something when a lady slides in front of me just as Hector appears. Hector the Clerk starts talking to her before I could even complain and now it's rude for me to say something, right? I'm not that person anyway; the one that loudly proclaims their right to be served first. Of course she's not just picking up photos, but wants Hector to fill up ink cartridges that are being pulled out of plastic bag covered in ink as she babbles on about coupons and colors. I could have waited my turn and come home forgetting about unfairness of life had the lady not turned around 5 MINUTES after arrival and say "Oh! Did I jump line?" "YEAH BITCH! YOU DID!" my mind is screaming while my mouth mumbles something lame. It's not like she didn't know she did it and then calculated at what point could she feign ignorance but maintain her place. And who says 'jump line'? Maybe you do, but I don't and it's my story. I hope the freshly topped off ink cartridges bust on her carpet. Someday I am going to call people on their shit. I guess today was not that day.

This brings me to my next point. I can't wait until Knox can talk and then I can make him say (loudly) "Momma, that lady cut in line." Ahhhh the usefulness of children.

There was a large dead tree at the corner of the street where you turn to get to my house. The large tree was perfectly placed to block your view when you wanted to pull out of my street, but made getting home easier because I would just turn at the tree. It even had a reflector nailed in a couple feet off the ground to guide me home after dark. There was a garbage bag that had been fluttering in it's dead branches since we moved in ten months ago. I used to think it was a shirt. I came home today and the tree WAS GONE. I almost missed my street. Later I almost missed my street again. In the future, people, turn at the stump.

Friday, April 30, 2010

You Learned This in 3rd Grade

It's the English language. Learn how to use it. Oh wait, you DID learn how to use it. Even spent 12 plus years being taught one lesson at a time. Must have forgotten somewhere along the way. If you weren't born in the U.S. don't worry I'm not talking to you (although if you plan to stay here at least make an effort to learn the language). Hehe I just realized the people my disclaimer was written for probably can't read it anyway. Back to the point. This morning in The Wall Street Journal I was told that people want "the ability to let lose and cry". The journalist who wrote this didn't realize their mistake? Or the editor whose job is to find and correct? Maybe it's a secret contest and if I call in with the correction I win a free dictionary. I could have let this tiny (in the grand scheme of things) mistake slide had I not read the status update of a "friend" the other day stating she was "going loose it. Really going to loose it this time."

Feeling grammatically deficient? If you don't understand my complaint, you should.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Two Shirts

Two point five days out of town and I packed myself a pair of jeans and two shirts. One of those shirts is reserved for the drive home and plans I have upon my return. The other shirt got peed on. Awesome. I didn't mention the most comfortable dress in the world that I wore for the drive up here. That dress has been worn 5 times and never washed. Once I put it in the dryer with a Downy sheet so it would smell clean, does that count? I know. I am gross. I did, however, overdo it on the underwear. Maybe I can fashion the eight extra panties I have into a shirt.

And I forgot makeup.